letting go of the past... at this time of the year.

this time of year..the days are so long for me. I wish every year the same thing, for me to just step out of my shoes for those few months, to stay focused on the life im living, but it all comes back to me with alot of pain. I rarely open up to any one about this because it just hurts to much even after almost 3 years. Im rather sick of people telling me how to feel or how to act because the fact is im at a better place in life and my mind set is better then ever. However i don't know how to get over hurt that haunts me almost every day. I found happiness almost 2 years ago when finding dan, we have hit the bottom but have got almost back to the top. Love is such a good thing, but when it goes bad it's really hurtful and theres so much heartache. i constantly get the " well you have a good thing.. why so negative" i respect and appreciate dan to infinity, but that just never covers my hurt. i wonder when i can fully live my life without that portion of my heart that still hurts. it's so cold and it shows sometimes. i can only appologize but its not even something i can control because it's how im feeling. I love my life, it gets so hectic sometimes but it's a good one. I wish i could make the regrets go away and the pain in my heart go away. It seems to leave me when the summer gets here, i think because it's my favorite time of the year, but it just seems so far from me right now. the way i feel is everyday i get up and at sometime during the day i re-live the pain i went through with anthony. can i tell you why? i don't know why i think about it, i don't know why i dwell on it. It happened a few years ago. i see myself in the offices at the courthouse or the police station. i constantly proof of it in my purse everyday because i have to carry a restraining order. that few little pieces of paper i carry are such a burden to me. i feel like nobody understands me which is why i don't talk about it ever. If i speak about it, it won't be for long. I sometimes thing maybe it's me that can't let go and thats why it hurts so much. when you fall in love, u allow yourself to potentially get hurt. My guard is always up. i wish i didn't have to be.