This year's different then all the rest.

This past weekend was the weekend i was dreading for so long. I wasn't sure what to expect or how it would turn out, but now that i look back it's probably one of the best valentines day i've had in so long. I can't remember a v-day i smiled and laughed so much in so long. Even though i was trying to guess what we were doing or where we were going, i was still very nervous. dan was spilling his surprise out to everyone i talked to, but aparently they have really good "secret keeping skills" pretty hard for most people these days, but they kept there trap shut. I begged tell me.. tell me. NO NO NO lol. Finally Friday night at probably 1:30am when i got off of work he handed me a card, i was like i don't get it, but then i opened it and he had bought me one of those cards you can put your own music on. It was the song Boston by Augustana. We were heading to boston on saturday for the whole day. We took a 11:20 train out of providence and got to boston just in time to be starving for lunch. we ended up at California Pizza Kitchen, amazingggg food. Really Great Wine. Great service. I had no complaints. it's fun to go there just to watch the other person enjoy there food just as much as your enjoying yours. Dan's funny with food, he just loves it so much, the looks on his face are priceless especially when he's downing a whole pizza lol. anyway after that, we headed to a park, it's very nice to walk around in it, alot of people were "shoe skating" on the ice. I don't do that, but dan was more then welcome. He declined though, so we walked through the park. We saw lots of Puppies nd it made us think of his house because we miss the 4 goldens at home in jersey. besides that we found a street called "newbury street" god i'd love to live over there... the amount of good stores goes on forever. Newbury street also takes you all the way out to back bay, Mass which is the stop before South station in Boston. Basically we walked pretty far lol. We made it to Northeastern university to check out stuff over there. We walked around The Prudential Center which had an amazing candy store, Chocolate Bannannas. YUM YUM!! we went there because my mom told us about a look out tower they had, but unfourtantly they were only taking reservations that night, but we found stores to go in and out of. While walking down the street we found a part of Harvard, one of there medical centers. I find that interesting, i'd like to see the actual school next time we head out there. I love going places with dan because he's so in love with his camera that when i don't take pictures, he's all over taking pictures of like everything. He likes to just do whatever as long as were together nothing else matters. Our personalitys go good together when were just enjoying a great day together. After walking to like neverland, it was time to head back to where we were before we straggled off into neverland. It was time for dinner. we ended up at "dicks last resort" you should look it up online and just make a trip out to boston just to go there. i haven't laughed that hard in a while. The servers are meant to be rude to you, but the way they do it makes you wanna laugh at them, not slap them or walk out. I nearly peed some of the times our server came over. she would yell at dan and he'd just laugh at her. She made us hats. Mine said "cheap date" his said small feet. small ----. i nearly peed once't h again. i had so much fun at that restaurant i'd totally go back again. the picture thats up on top, it was basically an ice sculpture that was made just for the love birds in boston that night. you were welcome to take pictures in front of it and just enjoy it with your sweetheart. Basically i just felt like nothing else mattered just that i was with dan and i didn't care what else happened. it was just an overall perfect day. couldnt have asked for a better day. i love you dan <3

letting go of the past... at this time of the year.

this time of year..the days are so long for me. I wish every year the same thing, for me to just step out of my shoes for those few months, to stay focused on the life im living, but it all comes back to me with alot of pain. I rarely open up to any one about this because it just hurts to much even after almost 3 years. Im rather sick of people telling me how to feel or how to act because the fact is im at a better place in life and my mind set is better then ever. However i don't know how to get over hurt that haunts me almost every day. I found happiness almost 2 years ago when finding dan, we have hit the bottom but have got almost back to the top. Love is such a good thing, but when it goes bad it's really hurtful and theres so much heartache. i constantly get the " well you have a good thing.. why so negative" i respect and appreciate dan to infinity, but that just never covers my hurt. i wonder when i can fully live my life without that portion of my heart that still hurts. it's so cold and it shows sometimes. i can only appologize but its not even something i can control because it's how im feeling. I love my life, it gets so hectic sometimes but it's a good one. I wish i could make the regrets go away and the pain in my heart go away. It seems to leave me when the summer gets here, i think because it's my favorite time of the year, but it just seems so far from me right now. the way i feel is everyday i get up and at sometime during the day i re-live the pain i went through with anthony. can i tell you why? i don't know why i think about it, i don't know why i dwell on it. It happened a few years ago. i see myself in the offices at the courthouse or the police station. i constantly proof of it in my purse everyday because i have to carry a restraining order. that few little pieces of paper i carry are such a burden to me. i feel like nobody understands me which is why i don't talk about it ever. If i speak about it, it won't be for long. I sometimes thing maybe it's me that can't let go and thats why it hurts so much. when you fall in love, u allow yourself to potentially get hurt. My guard is always up. i wish i didn't have to be.