This year's different then all the rest.

This past weekend was the weekend i was dreading for so long. I wasn't sure what to expect or how it would turn out, but now that i look back it's probably one of the best valentines day i've had in so long. I can't remember a v-day i smiled and laughed so much in so long. Even though i was trying to guess what we were doing or where we were going, i was still very nervous. dan was spilling his surprise out to everyone i talked to, but aparently they have really good "secret keeping skills" pretty hard for most people these days, but they kept there trap shut. I begged tell me.. tell me. NO NO NO lol. Finally Friday night at probably 1:30am when i got off of work he handed me a card, i was like i don't get it, but then i opened it and he had bought me one of those cards you can put your own music on. It was the song Boston by Augustana. We were heading to boston on saturday for the whole day. We took a 11:20 train out of providence and got to boston just in time to be starving for lunch. we ended up at California Pizza Kitchen, amazingggg food. Really Great Wine. Great service. I had no complaints. it's fun to go there just to watch the other person enjoy there food just as much as your enjoying yours. Dan's funny with food, he just loves it so much, the looks on his face are priceless especially when he's downing a whole pizza lol. anyway after that, we headed to a park, it's very nice to walk around in it, alot of people were "shoe skating" on the ice. I don't do that, but dan was more then welcome. He declined though, so we walked through the park. We saw lots of Puppies nd it made us think of his house because we miss the 4 goldens at home in jersey. besides that we found a street called "newbury street" god i'd love to live over there... the amount of good stores goes on forever. Newbury street also takes you all the way out to back bay, Mass which is the stop before South station in Boston. Basically we walked pretty far lol. We made it to Northeastern university to check out stuff over there. We walked around The Prudential Center which had an amazing candy store, Chocolate Bannannas. YUM YUM!! we went there because my mom told us about a look out tower they had, but unfourtantly they were only taking reservations that night, but we found stores to go in and out of. While walking down the street we found a part of Harvard, one of there medical centers. I find that interesting, i'd like to see the actual school next time we head out there. I love going places with dan because he's so in love with his camera that when i don't take pictures, he's all over taking pictures of like everything. He likes to just do whatever as long as were together nothing else matters. Our personalitys go good together when were just enjoying a great day together. After walking to like neverland, it was time to head back to where we were before we straggled off into neverland. It was time for dinner. we ended up at "dicks last resort" you should look it up online and just make a trip out to boston just to go there. i haven't laughed that hard in a while. The servers are meant to be rude to you, but the way they do it makes you wanna laugh at them, not slap them or walk out. I nearly peed some of the times our server came over. she would yell at dan and he'd just laugh at her. She made us hats. Mine said "cheap date" his said small feet. small ----. i nearly peed once't h again. i had so much fun at that restaurant i'd totally go back again. the picture thats up on top, it was basically an ice sculpture that was made just for the love birds in boston that night. you were welcome to take pictures in front of it and just enjoy it with your sweetheart. Basically i just felt like nothing else mattered just that i was with dan and i didn't care what else happened. it was just an overall perfect day. couldnt have asked for a better day. i love you dan <3

letting go of the past... at this time of the year.

this time of year..the days are so long for me. I wish every year the same thing, for me to just step out of my shoes for those few months, to stay focused on the life im living, but it all comes back to me with alot of pain. I rarely open up to any one about this because it just hurts to much even after almost 3 years. Im rather sick of people telling me how to feel or how to act because the fact is im at a better place in life and my mind set is better then ever. However i don't know how to get over hurt that haunts me almost every day. I found happiness almost 2 years ago when finding dan, we have hit the bottom but have got almost back to the top. Love is such a good thing, but when it goes bad it's really hurtful and theres so much heartache. i constantly get the " well you have a good thing.. why so negative" i respect and appreciate dan to infinity, but that just never covers my hurt. i wonder when i can fully live my life without that portion of my heart that still hurts. it's so cold and it shows sometimes. i can only appologize but its not even something i can control because it's how im feeling. I love my life, it gets so hectic sometimes but it's a good one. I wish i could make the regrets go away and the pain in my heart go away. It seems to leave me when the summer gets here, i think because it's my favorite time of the year, but it just seems so far from me right now. the way i feel is everyday i get up and at sometime during the day i re-live the pain i went through with anthony. can i tell you why? i don't know why i think about it, i don't know why i dwell on it. It happened a few years ago. i see myself in the offices at the courthouse or the police station. i constantly proof of it in my purse everyday because i have to carry a restraining order. that few little pieces of paper i carry are such a burden to me. i feel like nobody understands me which is why i don't talk about it ever. If i speak about it, it won't be for long. I sometimes thing maybe it's me that can't let go and thats why it hurts so much. when you fall in love, u allow yourself to potentially get hurt. My guard is always up. i wish i didn't have to be.

who? What? Where? When? WHY????

There's been so much goin on in my life lately, sometimes i forget what im doing and where im going in my life. when i started at JWU my 1st i knew i wanted to accomplish my associates degree in culinary arts, i really stopped thinking about my bachelors degree until today when i saw my counselor and he told me it was time to think about what i was going to do. I decided to go with two more years of culinary,which means more labs, more classes, more work, more everything. Im really excited though because i get to graduate in may and get my associates degree, it just means alot to me. Now that i figured school out, i can work on my personal life. My #1 goal outside of school was getting out of my shoebox apt. For all of you that have been to my apartment or have seen pictures or even have followed along through my months of being upset or heard about me getting woken up at 7am because of kids screaming, you knew this change was coming and well it finally got here. I was able to look at another apartment with 3 other girls, and it sooo close to school, i couldn't ask for anything better. It's stepped away from my job, i say it's awesome and works out so well for me. Im also just a few blocks away from dan's house :-). No more shoebox. and in this new apt. i have a closet. thats all i really need to say. :-)

with that said and done, i'm on my way to moving my stuff in really soon. when i get settled in, i can actually have people over to just hang out because we have a living room which is huge. im really excited. It's a step in the right direction, well not for my landlord who just lost me and the people upstairs... but is that my problem. NO!!! lol. all and all things are just the same everyweek. i work 25 hours at the convience store.. and 40 at cafe commons! there long weeks, but i just starting to realize and understand they will pay off. it's good to know im going in the right direction and not the wrong one.

as for little man, he is currently living on dan's ironing board because there's something wrong with my heat ( for the past week) and it's hot as hell in my apt. he is really content at dans because nobody bothers him or annoys him. He sleeps all day and plays all night. I know he is excited for my new apartment, because he didn't like it in the shoebox either. I do see my little friend is concerned about the fact one of my new roomates has a cat, but he won't have to meet the him/her. i will make sure of that. little man has been everywhere, he travels to jersey, to rhode island, to dan's, to kelly's. He's a cutie... everyone loves him. But kelly loves him the mostesttt :-)

Hanukkah @ the Reich's

so this year, Haukkah was at dan's house. Im always skeptical of going to things for other religions that i don't understand. I seem to have gotten sucked into aunt gidgets life because i was at her son's bar mitzvah and i was at Hanukkah last year... but i hide my confusion so well. I was thoroughly confused at the bar mitzvah, and very confused last year at hanukkah.. but this year seemed to be a little easier, with less prayers and more food lol. Im not a fan of latka's but wendy made a really good chicken salad so i was able to enjoy good food while everyone else ate salmon. We also had a extra person added to our group, Jill's best friend alex. Oh god did lexi have a field day with him, she barked and growled at him for hours. I just remember the first day meeting that sweet little ruby baby, she growled at me for a few hours too. all day alex would walk in and out of the house, and ruby was growl and bark at him. the puppies did get a liking to him by the end of the night, lukie was being buddy buddy him as well. Idk how i feel about that. Luke and i, were best friends, well after dan and him, but still. i don't share my fuzzy friend. :-) after all the latka's were done, everyone was able to sit down and watch a movie. we all watched dark knight, what a great movie. until everyone started showing up, we had to put the sound level up really high, but all and all it was a great day and night.Aunt sue was able to show up, because the night before joey her pup was sick so she couldnt make it to the farm. I miss going to the reich's and i miss the pups when were at school. you kinda get attached to well all of them after a while :-) i look forward to my visits there.. i was a little upset that i won't get to see mommy reich before heading back to school.... but you know what that means, her and aunt sue will have to make another ri trip again. you never know.

Christmas on the Farm

Here we have Huey who belongs to Heidi and Dan's Uncle John.. this horse always seems to win over everyones hearts. I never really hung out with huey before.. but seems to be a very big deal. With that in mind, i figure y not go check it out, he reminded me of "Mr Ed" that old tv show. So in order to get some laughs outta people, which i tend to do. Wendy ( dan's mom) decided to go over to huey, so i stood behind her and pretended to talk to her like Huey was talking to her. "hey wendy.. i see ya got sum carrots" wanna share sum of them with me? i think if anything i made myself laugh the hardest. im such a clown sometimes, but now i see what the big deal is, he's cute. Although i wasn't able to bring huey in, i brought one of his friends into the stable, RED. we talked the whole way there. it was a good time. I really enjoy going to the farm, dan has a wonderful yet crazy family. whats not to enjoy!!! Aunt gidget talks about how they used to have like 5 minute showers? whats that nonsense, i spend about 1/2 hour-45 minutes in the shower. It's like a suna for me!!! Uncle John always puts me to work with whatever's going on, i was able to cut up the roast and a huge ass steak! wawaweewow! Sitting down to dinner with the whole family, it makes me wish i had a big family like that. I used to, but i lost them when i was so young, so while everyone went to there aunt and uncles. i wasn't doing that. It's just alot of spirt and happiness when getting together with all of them, i always tell dan to be really appreciative of ur silly aunts and crazy uncles. i love them all. Overall it was very special christmas with alot of amazing people and funny stories to tell. We had creeper dan taking pictures of everyone and zooming in on people, what a peeping tom.. but i do love him

here we have me and dan in front of the xmas tree at my house

Looking forward to next christmas